


I’m not worth any of this

by orphan_account



Series: Self-Indulgent Petty Revenge Fics [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Soulmate AU, hopefully this is in character, i've never written maria before, tw grief, tw stress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 13:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11968359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: a soul mate au where the last words your soulmate says to you are written on your arm but only you can see them.Alexander was selfish, by protecting himself, he’d brought down everyone else.You ever see somebody ruin their own life? His poor wife.





	I’m not worth any of this

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fanfictiongreenirises](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfictiongreenirises/gifts).



The ground shook beneath her feat as she sprinted to his house. It was over, everything was over. She had to collect her things before his wife saw, before even more damage occurred. Maria glided through the throngs of people on the streets, her heart pounding in her ears as her body shook. Her hand clutched the sheet pf paper pathetically, the only piece of the pamphlet she hadn’t thrown out at a moment’s notice.

_The charge against me is a connection to one James Reynolds._

Her feat battered the pavement mercilessly as she continued onwards, her dress a hurricane around her as she continued to his house. Five minutes, that was all she needed and she would be gone forever. Sweat drenched her skin, her pulse ringing in her ears and throbbing her eyes.  
  
Maria saw the white picket fence in the distance and for a moment, it was as if time stood still. As though this was any other day when she was seeing him. A deceptive wave of calm overcame her.  This house was the only place she had ever felt safe. Away from her husband, away from the pain, the dangers of home. She froze in her spot – she wouldn’t be able to come here again. Where would she find her refuge now?

_For purposes of improper speculation._

She heard a cough behind her. “You’re Hamilton’s whore!” Maria’s felt the hair on the back of her neck stand on end, her body vibrating with fear. She bit her lip, ignoring the voice and pushing forward. Five minutes, that’s all she needed. She slipped through the small gate, sneaking into the house from the back door like always.

The house was quiet, the wood of the door cool against her skin as she rested against it. She drank in the silence, using it to stabilise the fear that threatened to engulf her. It was thick, chilling against her skin which she embraced wholeheartedly. She ignored the eerie emptiness of the musky hallway, opting instead to focus on her breathing. She wondered who that person outside had been. A neighbour? A friend? It didn’t matter, now that this pamphlet was out, everyone would know.

_My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife, for a considerable time, with his knowing consent._

Maria walked along the hallway, inching through the thick stillness. She pointedly ignored the family paintings as she passed, their beady eyes glaring into her soul, pointedly reminding her of her sins. They had never been up when she was around before. They made her feel dirty, spine-tingly numbing her soul. A constant reminder that it was not her place to be here, she had no right. She had to get out of her as quick as possible, all she needed was five minutes.

_I had secret meetings with her, most of them at my own house._

The staircase creaked under her weight as she scurried to the second floor, skilfully avoiding the third step to the top that she _knew_ would screech at the extra weight. A candle flickered in the room closest to the staircase – his study. Maria’s heart caught in her throat as her stomach sunk, he was the last person she wanted to see. She glided past, hoping he didn’t see her as she made her way to their bedroom, _his_ bedroom. This wasn’t her house, this wasn’t her place to be.

The room was modest, a bed in the centre and a chest of draws to the side, next to the window. She went to the chest, opening the last drawer and popping open the false back, revealing her things. Quickly, she piled everything into her bag, ignoring any sensibility in how she packed. She just wanted to leave.

_Mrs. Hamilton with our children being absent on a visit to her father._

A voice shattered the silence like glass. "Alexander!", Maria didn't recognise it, but she sounded angry.

She knelt against the doorway to the bedroom and watched as a tall woman in an orange dress stormed up the stairs. "I came as soon as I heard."

Maria didn't want to know who the woman was, all she wanted was to leave. She only needed five minutes, and those were quickly running out. She watched the woman walk into the study and just as quickly she snuck out. The woman began shouting, Maria tried to ignore it to the best of her ability as she crept to the staircase.

"...you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind..."

She winced, the woman was clearly talking about his wife. Her heart clenched as she crept towards the bannister, hands clutching the handle of her bag. White knuckled, her body shook as she crouched beside, waiting for the conversation to finished so she could sneak out safely.

"...I'm standing at her side; you will never be satisfied – God I hope your satisfied!" Maria watched as the woman slapped him across the face, the sound resonating throughout the quiet house.

The woman turned and huffed out of the room. Maria felt herself curl inwards, making herself smaller and praying to god that the woman couldn't see her. She watched as the woman marched down the stairs and slammed the front door behind her.

The silence penetrated the air, thick in her lungs.

She waited a few moments before the silence possessed her. On shaky legs she stood, eyeing the front door wearily. Whoever that woman was, Maria knew instinctively that she didn't want to get on the wrong side of her. She took a deep breath, psyching herself up to continue on. She didn't know where she was going, but it wasn't home.

She didn't have a home anyway.

She gripped the bannister as she remembered that mornings events. The love between her and her husband had died long ago, and with it rose anger, fear, and division. She’d known his strength, had grown to expect it, but that night had arisen a new kind of man. One that had the force and strength enough to stun. He’d gone after Susan, his rage a lightning rod of power previously unknown to them. She’d watched as grim satisfaction contorted his face into a gross grin, finding joy in his daughters devastating pain. She’d felt her body heave as she rose to protect her, only to find herself knocked to the side, watching her crumple in delight. She felt sick, bile rose to her throat at the thought of her daughters rippling screams. She felt her arms shake against the bannister as her grip caused the bannister, the regret overwhelming her soul.

“Maria..?”  
  
She opened her eyes – when had they been closed? She swallowed the lump in her throat, staring at the cold eyes belonging to her old lover. He took a step forward. “Are you okay?”

Her heart rate rose into her ears, she shook her head, she couldn’t deal with him right now. She turned around, stumbling down the staircase as she willed her legs to work. Her lungs felt as though they were slowly filling with water as she sprinted into the cold air outside. She couldn’t remember how she got here but she didn’t turn back, Maria just kept running.

She sucked in the cold air as her eyesight went blurry, her arms flailing desperately as she ran, she wished she could be somewhere else – anywhere else. Her heels struck the pavement on the street, the enormous overwhelming terror seeping from her soul, propelling her forward. She ran without purpose, without direction, going as far away as she could from the mess that was back there.

The ground changed beneath her feet, the smooth pavement turning into rough dirt and grass. She felt her legs slow down, her muscles burning. There were tall trees, the leaves painting pictures of different oranges, yellows and reds. The grass was soft against her worn feet, she really needed to invest in new shoes. A cool breeze blew throughout the park, the tension from earlier blowing away with it. She closed her eyes in content, allowing the breeze to lull her into a false sense of tranquillity. Unware of her heart beating or the rise and fall of her chest as her breathing soothed, she sat down, felling the sunlight from the sunset warm her skin and the grass create a bed around her. She stretched out, revelling in the lack of people and their penetrating gazes. Here, she was alone.  

She sighed contently, running her hand along the black ink on her forearm, bearing the words; ‘ _you’re worth so much more’_. The words were a neat scrawl, although still she did not recognise the handwriting. It was eloquent, beautiful, something she’d been in love with since she could first read. In times of strife, the words provided her comfort, even though she hoped she would never have to hear them.

She observed the park, it was well maintained. There was absolute stillness as she admired the array of flowers decorating the bushes and trees. The early autumn leaves ruffled in the breeze, giving the area a healthy glow. It was a small park, covering an area that could fit two small houses, a small lake in the corner glittering in the evening sun. She watched curiously as a few fish swam in the pond, ignoring the ducks that had taken residence. It was comforting, watching the natural order of things, allowing herself to enjoy such beauty in her own troubling times. She could allow herself to enjoy this peacefulness, if only for five minutes.

She watched another woman enter from the other side of the park, a fair enough distance that Maria doubted the woman had seen her yet. She had dark hair that fell in front of her face, hiding herself from Maria’s view. Her pale skin was hidden by a blue dress and grey shawl, protecting her from the cool breeze. Her beauty was understated, perhaps because she was so totally unaware of her splendour. Something radiated from inside her as she walked with ease, creating a pure aura around her, as if she was some sort of gift from the gods.

Maria couldn’t tear her gaze from the other woman even if she tried. Her eyes were glued to her, absorbing every stride, every movement she made. She felt a pull towards her, electrifying her soul. There was something terrifying in the way that this stranger had a hold on her, one that if Maria were to let go, she would surely loose herself. There was something in the air, crackling and vibrating with the ferocity of a thousand suns. Franklin and his kite held nothing over the electricity that was thrumming through Maria’s blood, willing her forward to talk to the mysterious stranger.

This woman wasn’t just beautiful, she was simply exquisite – a masterpiece of creation.

The woman looked up at her, their eyes locking. Maria felt the world fall away as she lost herself into them. They were the type of brown like sweet chocolate, the kind Maria herself had never been fortunate enough to try. They shone like starlight, full of love, something that was evidently innately engraved into the woman’s soul. They were an enigma, crinkling to the sides similar to the corners of her mouth. They widened in concern and Maria noticed the woman was walking towards her.

She was frozen in place, watching her draw near like a hunter stalking its prey. There was a shyness to her, a hesitation to her body movements as she came close, her voice soft and safe against the ringing in Marias ears. “Are you alright?”

Maria’s hand flew to her face and neck, feeling along the purple welts that stretched across her skin like a disease, as though her skin was a canvas and her husband’s hands were the brush. She flushed, looking away from the woman, shame digging itself into her bones.

“I’m sorry,” the woman continued, “I didn’t mean to pry.”  
  
It was only from up close did Maria notice the woman’s other features. How her eyes were red and puffy, how she held herself close together, as though she were a porcelain figure about to collapse. Maria couldn’t help but admire her further, the woman was evidently in distress and was still looking out for others, a complete stranger at that. It was clear that the beauty Maria had been attracted to was something inside the woman, making her skin glow and eyes sparkle.

“No,” Maria whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to talking to strangers.”

The woman smiled softly and Maria felt herself loose whatever semblance of sanity she had left. She was truly gone for this girl, and she didn’t even know her name. “Eliza?” A voice called, “Are you out here?”

Maria bristled, recognising the voice instantly. It was the same as the one who was yelling earlier today at the house.  The woman in front of her visibly lit up, turning and beaming at the first woman. “Angelica,” she breathed.

“Eliza we’re staying with our father and I won’t take no for an answer, you can’t be in that house right now.” The woman – Angelica began kindly, walking towards them. She had a confident stride, one that would surely terrify anyone who was against her – further proving Maria’s theory that this was not a woman you wanted to piss off.

Her ears rang; _our father_.

Oh.

So _that’s_ who this person was.

“I’m sorry,” Maria began, staggering backwards slightly as her pulse elevated, “I have to, I have to go.” She gathered her things on the ground, hastily moving backwards. She had to leave, she had to get away from Hamilton _wife_.

The beautiful woman – Eliza, looked at her with concern, reaching out a hand to help her. “You seem quite frazzled, are you sure you’re alright?”  
  
Maria wanted to scream, of course she wasn’t alright! The world had a cruel sense of irony, shoving Hamilton’s wife as the first caring person she had met since she’d married. Fear travelled through Maria’s veins, manipulating her limbs into a spastic dance as she stumbled backwards. Her completion paled but she forced herself to remain impassive, willing her mind to stabilize. Her stomach churned, her gut seething. She couldn’t imagine a worse situation to find herself in.

She fell, landing on her butt in a huff, her dress flying around her. Eliza crouched down beside her, offering a hand. Maria shook her head at the gesture, picking herself up. “Please miss, no. If you knew who I was you wouldn’t want to help me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Eliza began, helping to brush the dirt off the battered girls skirt.

Maria pulled away, the guilt eating away at her soul. She gripped her own skirt, the paper falling from her hand – since when had she still been holding it? Eliza picked it up before Maria could stop her, “You seemed to have dropped-”  
  
She stopped, her eyes scanning over the content. Maria watched this beautiful woman visibly freeze and her eyes glaze over, visibly bristling. Her spine snapped straight as her shoulders hunched forward, giving the woman the appearance of a frail rope about to snap. Maria watched pitifully as the cogs turned in Eliza brain, connecting everything together, from the suitcase, the beatings, the paper. She looked up slowly at Maria, as if looking at her for the first time.

“Oh.”

Angelica stepped forward, placing a hand on her sister’s shoulder. “Eliza, are you okay-”  
  
Maria didn’t wait any longer. She turned and ran, running as she was before, away from all the mess her life currently was. Her heart walloped against her chest mercilessly. It was practically screaming, crying, trying to get out. She ran forward, as if every second she was escaping death. He limbs moved with a mind of their own, propelling her forward, she couldn’t see, couldn’t think, her mind was nothing more than a machine stirring her body onwards. She was disconnected from everything surrounding her except the ever present sound of her drumming heart, shouting in her ears.

She didn’t know how long she ran; she didn’t know when dusk turned to dark. She couldn’t account for any of her movements. Maria truly believed she would have kept running until her legs gave out, collapsing in the street, unless it wasn’t for the tall gentleman that she ran into.

She staggered backwards, falling against a brick wall. There was a cry beside her and Maria willed her glazed eyes to shift back into focus. Her breath caught in her throat, a bald man stood bowled over, clutching his stomach and breathing deeply. She almost chuckled, the universe just wanted to keep throwing curve balls at her, throwing her people she knows and would rather _not_ see in the streets. Hopefully though, he wouldn’t recognise her, after all, who would recognise the “servant girl” of their rival?

“Mister Burr?”

The man looked up, doing a double take upon her. His eyes lit up in recognition and Maria felt herself groan internally, of course he recognised her, “Mrs. Reynolds, well this is a surprise.”  
  
“Please,” She shuddered, “Don’t call me Reynolds.”  
  
Burr nodded in understanding. “So Maria then?”  
  
“Yes please.”  
  
Burr pulled out a pocket watch from his waistcoat, “Maria, it’s almost 8pm, what are you doing out so late?”

Maria felt her body tense in shock, 8pm? How long had she been running?  
  
“I um – I can’t really,” She paused for a moment, trying to find the words, “I just can’t be home.”

She watched his eyebrows knit together, staring at her in concern. It left her feeling vulnerable, exposed. Like she had been stripped naked and put on display. “If you have no place to go, you’re welcome to sleep at mine.”

Maria coughed obnoxiously to cover her gasp of surprise. She looked at him carefully, trying to find a hidden angle. What was his plan, why was he being so kind to her? Last time she had been offered kindness by a man, well, it had led her to this mess.

Still. She had nothing to lose.

“Are you sure?” She asked wearily, it’s one thing to offer, it’s quite another to actually mean your offer.

“Of course,” Burr smiled and the kindness he showed instantly put her at ease, “I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.”

“I do have to warn you though,” he continued, taking her arm, “I do have some friends coming round for dinner.”

Which was how Maria found herself situated at Aaron Burrs dinner table, sitting next to his daughter and wife, and across from the vice president Thomas Jefferson and his friend James Madison.

Goddamn.

Maria was in awe by the food, the rich aroma beckoning her to eat from the moment she slid into her chair. There mountains of the stuff, fresh warm bread, a wooden platter of some exotic meat Maria didn’t have the heart to name, a variety of fruits and vegetables decorating the plating, apples, blueberries, and a variety of others she didn’t recognise. She felt her mouth water, salivating in anticipation as she gazed longingly at the selection. A bowl of yellow butter sat next to the bread, melted to room texture, perfect for spreading. She watched the food as her stomach growled slowly, gnawing excessively, she could practically taste the berries, as if she hadn’t eaten for a week.

The man across from her, the _vice president_ , had an amused expression as he watched her. His hair puffed out around his head, creating a halo like effect similar to caricatures of biblical figures. He wore an atrocious magenta suit that practically screamed into the darkness, creating a personal spotlight for Mr. Jefferson. “I fear if we await a moment longer, your friend may faint from hunger,” he smiled, his voice having a distinct southern drawl.

Burr glared at the Virginian, silently cursing him for interrupting grace. Nonetheless, Burr quickly gave thanks and after making the sign of the cross, they dug in. Maria had to force herself not to moan in delight, she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten a meal that tasted so good.  The food tasted fresher than it looked, she could feel it travel down her throat and into her stomach, filling her up as though her inside was an empty carcass. Politicians lead a good life.

“I’m sure you’ve read the pamphlet by now,” the smaller Virginian – Madison, began, looking towards Burr.

His wife – Theodosia, stiffened. “This isn’t talk for the dinner table,” she said, raising an eyebrow at him.

Maria couldn’t help herself, surely this wasn’t _the_ pamphlet. “What pamphlet is this?”

The taller Virginian smirked, his grin creating a menacing glow. “The one about Hamilton and his torrid affair, of course.”  
  
Maria felt her blood run cold. No, this wasn’t talk for the dinner table.

Madison laid a hand against Jefferson’s. “Thomas, you heard Mrs. Burr, this isn’t talk for the dinner table.” Maria was impressed, she didn’t know something as simple as holding the taller man’s hand would shut him up.

Or maybe that was just Madison.

She ignored the ringing in her ears as the dinner continued, her arm tingling slightly where the words were present. Conversation continued amicably, Maria discovered that Theodosia Jr. was incredibly smart, well beyond her years and could hold her own in a battle of wits against the Vice President.

Speaking of the Vice President, his friend was evidently something more.

She constantly noticed the taller man glancing down at his forearm, where his own words would be. Even if his clothing didn’t cover his forearm, Maria wouldn’t have been able to see the writing anyway. One could only see their own writing. Burr was doing the same, taking furtive, worried glances towards his wife. Maria wondered what was going on but refused to voice her concerns, it wasn’t her place.

No one commented on the array of marks that littered her skin, and for that she was grateful.

After the meal, Aaron – as he insisted she called him, took her to a private bedroom. She couldn’t believe the size; it was more lavish than her entire home. Burr apologised for it basic decorating, saying it was furnished on a meagre budget, but the room – like their home, had more warmth than Maria had seen in years. The walls cream with a large window overlooking the local park. The stars sparkled, dusting the room with a cool glow, brighter than the hovel she once lived in.

Reverently, she ran her hands along the comforter on the bed, the silk feeling smooth against her fingers. It was irritably soft and thick, which would surely protect her from the cold nights. She fell into it, allowing the soft matters to engulf her, warmth enveloping around her tired frame. It was then that she finally allowed herself to notice how sore her body was, her arms and legs throbbing in pain. This was what she was used to, was what she deserved.

The guilt consumed her, sitting on her chest like the weight of a small horse. She had bumbled along like a sheep for far too long, and the cost of it had been her daughter. It surged with every breath she took, like an emptiness in her heart that could never be filled, as if the air itself was the sustenance for her soul and there was never enough. It consumed her entirely, the grief laughing mercilessly as it tied her to a rope and left her dangling in the air, helpless to do anything except watch as the world burned around her. She felt nothing but apathy towards it, the numbness of what she had lost pounding her brain, allowing salty tears to shed from her eyes.

Maria didn’t know when she fell asleep, all she knew was that she fell asleep crying. Thinking about her daughter.

Who she failed.

**Author's Note:**

> yo I'm tired it's almost 2am so this is gonna be in parts
> 
> part 2 will be out either tomorrow or the day after =D
> 
> then I'll put my legit notes haha
> 
> but for now, shoutout to @[AnonymousCrazyFangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousCrazyFangirl/pseuds/AnonymousCrazyFangirl) and @[fanfictiongreenirises](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfictiongreenirises/pseuds/fanfictiongreenirises) check out all their stuff, it's amazing. They're both fabulous writers and I wouldn't be here without them


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